They’re calling incessantly but I refuse to go out there. No promise of worldwide renown or scads of money has any chance of enticing me to get up from this make-up table and to attempt to stand on a pair of shaky, rubber-feeling legs. And even if I could, even if the aforementioned ante were upped to include, say, the greatest love I’ve ever known, or guaranteed good health, if that were possible, I would not leave the comfort of these four walls and the space within them, as meager as it is.
I hear the resolute footsteps of the director coming down the hall to my room. He knocks on the door gently and speaks through it gently but the truth of his voice is raging water behind a crumbling dam. He speaks in the high, ingratiatory voice reserved for the young and the infirm. He reminds me of all the time I spent practicing my dance steps, how splendidly I dance, and how many people are in the audience waiting for the next act, which is mine, by the way, in case I’d forgotten, and if I don’t get my gutless ass out there, I’ll have blown my chances for all goddamned time!
I feel bad about the broken dam, about the fidgeting, irritable audience. My dream of greatness lies like cold air sinking around the potshards that used to contain it. I feel bad about that, too. I feel bad about the inconvenience I’ve caused, but not about the goddamned time. Time is what it took to understand that I’m not really invested in an outcome, but in the savoring of unhindered, uninterrupted, dreamy, floating, mesmerizing time. That’s my style. The lights around the mirror, the liners and shadows, the pens and paper, and the moments at hand in which to relish them all, are more precious than anything else at all.
Fini
PHOTO CREDITS:
The top photo is me in high school prepping for my role as Amy Spettigue in the musical “Where’s Charley?”
The photo directly above is a scene from the musical – Charley impersonating his aunt and enjoying every minute of it with Amy and Kitty.
Click here for more on prompt “#133 – My Style” from other Sunday Scribblings participants
The Essence of a Thing 
Love that title, and what wonderful pictures, Ms A. Something Scorpionic in that Piscean DNA, relishing the background, but then “unhindered, uninterrupted, dreamy, floating, mesmerizing time,” that’s Neptune all the way, and I believe that dreamy planet is your ruler.
My latest favorite answer from Mr. Obama is “both.” I think both of us relish backgrounds and Neptunian time, but whatever its provenance, we also have a desire (need) (obligation) (inescapable imperative) to leave our marks, too.
Both.
How cool to have a glimpse of Ms Alister. I’m happy for all your time in the green rooms of your life, but we are all so very happy when you come out to play.
You never disclosed to us that you were a beauty! “Dreamy, floating, mesmerizing time” is a gift that you have given us in this post.
This one has the soft lustre of a rare pearl about it. So good to see this glimpse of you.
Good luck with those bad, hot deadlines — sometimes they forge unusually strong, fine prose. Hope you get some rest soon!
Wow! WOW! You’re a doll, woman? I love the pictures. I would never have guessed it was you but they are so stylish.
I’m sorry to disappoint Paschal but we’ve seen there’s not a lot of scorpio in your chart, haven’t we?
Stage fright!
Oops, that was supposed to be a ! not a ?
Definitely a doll I see :)
i feel a bit of the spirit of miss marilyn monroe bleeding thru here……
Ahh, Missalister, we appear to have something in common ! I am actually known to have spilled a box of popcorn in my mother’s lap, upon which I was sitting at the time, while watching the film version of “Where’s Charlie?” circa 1954! And like you, for whom the process means more than the product, I remember the lovely buttery mess in my mother’s arms quite well, but the movie not at all. That was MY style!
Why thank you, Paschal. I scanned both pics out of my yearbook and that’s another story in itself!
If I tried to balance your comment with Ms. Mood’s comment (which is true, there’s very little Scorpio) then I couldn’t explain the Yes feeling on reading all that you wrote, so in accordance with my nature, I dropped it. It doesn’t matter. Only the Yes matters :-)
You are the sweetest, Granny S! Photo-wise, of course that was then and this is now! The rather obscure photo of me on my About page was taken in 2007. When I first started this blog I wanted to be anonymous yet I found that I felt more connected to other bloggers if I had at least a little idea of their background and what they looked like. So, with that in mind, I added to my site that particular “just enough” photo to go with my “just enough” background :-)
Mmmm, that’s nice, anno, the pearl and lustre bit…swooning material, definitely.
Thanks for blowing on the heaping spoonful of bad-hots :-) Just that you noticed gives me something I can use. Just like stressing for the deadlines themselves. I believe you’re right. Although their immediate effect on me is to suck nearly every kilogram of creativity out of me, in the long run, hardship equals character and a hell of a story to tell ;-)
Thanks for the WOWs, Ms. Mood! Now let’s talk about you, shall we? As I recall there’s a fine picture of you on your website AND I’ve been studying the noses and chins of your junegardens models and I wonder… Now that we have Paschal’s attention (‘cause you know his high-IQ self has sniffed this a mile away) I would venture an explanation for the big Yes above and that is that Pisces and Scorpios are magnets, yes?
A poetic welcome to you, Paisley! I’m honored by your visit alone, but that you’ve picked up on my Marilynness makes you the star ;-) Actually, I’d not thought of that at all but it’s definitely true that my mantra could be what she once said, “I am not interested in money. I just want to be wonderful.” Ah, yes, now I’ll be studying her more for sure. You’ve got me on her trail.
I agree, Bass, no goofy or otherwise musical can hold a candle to moms and buttery popcorn! Your comment brought back a memory of me as a child falling asleep in my mom’s lap in the car and being just awake enough to think how perfectly I fit there :-)
(Sniffing): Well, we know that they are both waterfolk, and as Pisces ends the chart, let’s just say (throwing all caution and zodiacal orthodoxy to the wind) that Pisces is perhaps the progression of Scorpio without the inherent narcissism of the little crustacean.
as usual i am bowled over by your creative ability to string together ordinary words in an extraordinary way and incorporate such a poignant and profound point of view – life is not about the destination, but the journey itself!!! — a lot of the philosophies i’ve been fiddly-goofing around with, as i reinvent this whatever is me, stress that very thing — if you have a precise destination in life and you ultimately reach it, then where are you left to go??? — love that you shared a piece of yourself, makes the connection more real — and thank you for your support and encouragement – all donations gratefully received!!!!!
Paschal, yes, it isn’t wrong to think the signs progress from one to the other, until we arrive and Pisces and their progression has to enter Aries, and …ah, the eternal circle.
Miss Alister, I don’t know whether I’m actually pictured in the junegardens photos, as most of them are a result of clever photographing skills with magazine models – seriously ;) The things one has to come up with for marketing purposes…My neck is definitely there though…
Great post.
Paschal: I like that.
And more on your previous comment regarding mark-leaving: the SO was digging into my brain this morning like a NYC crone at a Filene’s bargain basement sale. I explained that yes, I still feel programmed to skip straight to greatness, but the track record of this new realization tells the truth, and that’s what I want to see and understand clearly. Over the years there has accumulated a shockingly long list of potentially beneficial things I’ve ignored, passed up, or refused just so I could roll like a happy dog in more minutes. That’s the truth I’ll want to own if I want peace over confliction with greatness, not to be confused with leaving a mark. This is what the SO was getting at. Yes, I want to leave a mark like the majority of other humans, it only just has to be a mark that I’m personally overjoyed with :-) …Just thought I’d share that with you ;-)
danni: oh man, it’s good to see your mark on this site again! Yes!!! regarding savoring the journey and the “What now?” bit! I’ve also read that. Of course we have goals and we plan our steps to reach them. But the big fun is in putting our attention fully on, and getting pleasantly lost in, what we’re doing right now that contributes to our journey toward our goals. The quality of our future depends on the quality of our now ;-) It’s a tough one, though. It takes actual practice to think now, not later! LOL!
Glad you liked the stuff here and again, I’m glad mostly to see you :-)
Dang it, Ms. Mood! I thought I was onto something. You know how my imagination can run amok ;-)
Welcome, jadey! And thank you :-)
Your words: the savoring of unhindered, uninterrupted, dreamy, floating, mesmerizing time. That’s my style
Yes, a wonderful delicious, live your life style!
indeed, there is a joy in relishing the process, in savouring whats being done. sadly, we’re trained to keep our minds tuned to what is gonna come out of it all, the outcome, if you know what i mean. when i work with teachers, i try to impress upon them this idea – for i guess thats where all the conditioning begins.
beautifully, conveyed, missA. and somehow, i always had this feeling you’d be gorgeous looking, and well, from the pics, i can only say that is a grossly understated notion.
Your work is so beautiful, and you are so brave for putting it out for us all to enjoy. Thank you for sharing your gifts.
Be Well
I know the feeling. Story of my life. Well written post. Effective and Affective
Welcome, Tammy, and thanks so much for stopping by. I took a trip to your blog and Wow! you are living an amazing live-your-life style!
Bravo, Dharmabum! It does my heart good to hear your work entails pointing the way to the now. What a neat profession you must have! To be on the leading edge like that, positioned to be able to make a positive difference in the educational system, the place such a difference counts the most. I’m as wowed as your notions were understated ;-)
Hi, Tanya! It’s so good to have your gentle spirit here again. Comments are adornments to the posts themselves, and you have left me one of the most lovely and appreciated ones. Thank you :-)
Well hello Gamol, the alchemist! A big welcome back to you. I enjoyed your comment. Thanks. And yes, we could do some serious commiserating I’m sure!
You stun me.
(Says the seldom stunned leo)
QUIN
I’ll add that to my resumé under Skills. “Stunning skills – fictional and non-fictional writing and graphics layouts that astonish readers.” Ohhhh well, at least you’ve provided further insight into your writing ability, you mentioning you’re a Leo, one of the most spontaneously creative of all zodiacal characters. No wonder I like your writing so much : )