Who filed my tax return???


Oh, joy, it’s tax return deadline day in the USA.  This year I’m one of those who pushed the envelope due to a logistics issue which entailed the need for a duplicate W-2.  And this year marks one full year doing not what I was doing the previous umpteen years.  I just completed the tax return paperwork last night, was forced to look microscopically at every black pixel on white paper, and I’m left wondering lots of things besides How do you wince in writing?


This is the first year that I filed a tax return as a whole other person.  I miss the person I was for so many years.  I respected her job, although the cons that made her leave it were beginning to take a toll.  I liked where she lived, both the apartment and the region.  I liked all her personal belongings and how she put them all just exactly where she wanted them.  I liked how she lived, so independently, although I think she should have gotten out more, appreciated more of the vast offerings of the area.


The person who filed my tax return this year, I don’t know very well, and I’m not sure I like her all that much…yet, anyway.  She seems so identity-less, so unsure of where she’s going.  She could do so much, there’s more freedom, more space to move around in, but she seems not to know what to do with it.  Given the opportunity to literally redefine herself, she flounders.  She looks back with a tear in her eye, sighs.  When she turns back around to now, she sees every reason to rejoice, but strangely that’s not what she does…yet, anyway.


There is so much to consider when making a major life change that even if we read or find out everything about every aspect of it that we can think of, I don’t think there’s any way we can truly know how that change will affect us until we actually make it and live it.  And each person will do that and deal with it differently.  It seems to be all about how well we know ourselves.  If we know ourselves well and a change is what we need, we’ll probably choose change that causes our boats to list a little.


If we find that we didn’t know ourselves as well as we thought we did, it might feel like our boats have entered the perfect storm.  And then what?  Dispatch a mayday and get transported back to the port we started from?  We might be able to go back to the same port but we won’t be the same people we were after having experienced what we’ve experienced.  It won’t be the same, can’t be the same.  And if we had never left port that day, we’d be beating ourselves up for not going on what we were sure would be the loveliest sail of our lives.


The truth is, the instant we entertained the idea of change, it started the wheels of change in motion and it was already too late to not go or to go back after having left.  We have no choice but to keep spinning forward off the choices we’ve made and give the weird green sprouts that we’ve never seen before in our lives a chance to push further up out of the ground until we can kind of see what they’re going to be, and then to let them blossom to see for sure. 

What’s the biggest life change you’ve ever experienced?  And how did you take it?


What’s your theory about change, about embarking on it, about going back?

Photos from Getty Images




12 responses to “Who filed my tax return???

  1. Completing tax return forms is a kind of ritual. It shows so many things about where you are at the moment. A person very close to me is completing her tax return forms as a single person this year, instead of as a married person all the previous years.
    I have major life changes every 7 years. The biggest of all was having a baby, but leaving my job and my language school to become a journalist was another big one and leaving that to start a company and who knows what else was another one. I don’t have a theory of change except that we have to keep moving or we grow old.

  2. You wrote my theory, this is it:
    There is so much to consider when making a major life change that even if we read or find out everything about every aspect of it that we can think of, I don’t think there’s any way we can truly know how that change will affect us until we actually make it and live it.

    I never filled tax returns, I imagine it must be strange, to say the least. Perhaps I should make myself write something like that, as another painful reality check. No, wait, had enough of reality already…

    Interesting that Chloe mentions the 7 years. Uranus changes sign every 7 years and it’s the planet associated with drastic changes and novelties. It is currently in Pisces so I expect big changes for you both during this period. You probably had yours already, becoming this new person that you don’t know very well. Take your time, she’ll get more and more defined each day and I’m sure you can mold her into anything you want her to be.

  3. I think it has to be the end of almost 20 years of marriage – becoming a single person again. 5 years later, and I’ve just received the passport with my “own” name on it. Theory of change? It’s part of life. It’s how we grow, though I’m often reluctant to face it.

  4. I’d say that if we could predict the effect a “change” is going to have on us then it really wasn’t much of a change. Does a caterpillar change into a butterfly? Only the first time you see it happen (surprise!), after that you understand that it merely evolves. Happy sailing!!

  5. i don’t bother making a choice. i don’t believe it is in me to effect the change. rather, i let the choice choose me. it might sound like that makes me helpless. to others, specially some friend, it sounds escapist. i’d say it is faith in the cosmos, the agent that ultimately affects all change. some like to call it God. its also probably owing to my inherent quest for adventure – i look forward to change, i don’t think too much about it, about predicting its effect, for then it would lose its charm, i think.

    lots of changes. can’t think of one in superlative. left the cozy comfort of home and parents some 10 years back. that was a change. grandpa, who was a good friend, died some years later, that was a big change too, even though i’d hardly meet him a few days of the year. my sister flew half way across the world, and is now in america, thats a change too.. started living with somebody – for the first time, i was actually sharing space – physical and otherwise…every change has had its charm that i have discovered over time. oh, this is not to say there haven’t been trying times, but hell, you want a long ride down the highway on two wheels, you better take the back ache that comes along with it. what say?

    am beginning to love this space more and more everyday. there is so much food for thought there, and such wonderful vibes that i seem to relate with. love the way you’ve looked at yourself as ‘another’ :)

  6. Chloe: exactly…at a glance, emotions and numbers do not seem related, yet every figure you put down on your return has a web of associations linked to it. Sometimes when I’m changing check registers in my checkbook, I look back over all the old transactions and my brain floods with memories. I remember where I was then, what I was doing… I can get sad or thankful or re-experience joy with a happy memory, similar to reading a novel! So numbers aren’t as benign as I’m often fooled into thinking they are!
    I read once that our bodies change every seven years, that the atoms in our bodies are completely changed out every 7 years. So I wonder if major changes for you coincided with the ages of 7, 14, 21, etc.

    Devil Mood: ha! we’re on the same wavelength! Come to think of it, you’ve been seeming quite Piscean to me these days. In everything I’ve read Sagittarians are quite a bit different from Pisceans, but those are cookie-cutter definitions, not in depth like you get. So tell me, am I off or is there some sequence of interplanetary play or something that could cause you to get all Pisces for awhile once in awhile? ;-)
    The seven-year Uranus change is super-interesting. Thank you for that. I have a feeling you’re right, as in I don’t think the changes I’ve been through, from the very start of them in mid-2006 to now, are it or over, whichever applies. I have a feeling something else is coming. I’m very restless. And when you say “period,” do you mean lunar, a 29-day phase, so this month, April?

    Imelda, hi! I visit your site off and on and most recently read your Fearless piece, which was really meaningful to me…well, you can see from this tax post how it would be! Something diverted me and I never commented. But you must have gotten my vibes!
    I’ve never had a really long-term relationship (certainly not like 20 years! wow!) but still the break-up aftermath is bad enough…taking that experience and adding to it your description in Fearless, of waking up in the mornings “in terror of something,” fed my imagination a picture of painfulness I can’t imagine experiencing! I guess it’s that same thing that has me with you, often reluctant to embrace what I know about change, about growth, especially about fear…that fear is not in the now but the future as you wrote.
    Thank you for adding your spirit to this post!

    Bass: I know what you mean, and I loved how it worked with the caterpillar/butterfly analogy. But I really do think that if you know yourself extremely well, you will make choices that are more in alignment with everything that comprises your true self, and therefore the change those choices effects with have a lesser overall affect on you. It’s something I don’t feel practiced at, though, but I’ve had occasional tastes of successful knowing and choosing that give me the idea that an even fuller, more consistent self-knowledge is key to making choices/changes that work best and have less impact. That would be an interesting poll question, to see what people think about that: how does your level of self-knowledge affect your choices for change and—once change has been effected—your reaction to that change? Of course as I’m writing this I’m looking at Dharmabum’s latest comment and laughing because on a spiritual level I agree with it 100%! LOL!

    OK Bum! You would have to throw a wrench in the wheel, and what a lovely wrench! Your first paragraph is so perfectly put. Again, the ego/spirit conflict. When my ego is ruling, I’m totally autonomous, the Queen of Choice. When I’m meditative, I see my place in the vastness of the universe and beyond and there is no choice and I trust what comes to me from out of that vastness. That’s why I like Ramesh’s theory when it comes to the ego/spirit conflict and free will. For me it comes down to this: on the surface it appears as though we have choice, and as long as we have an ego we think we have choice, so until such time as ego is reduced to a mere I.D. tag of sorts, i.e. we become “enlightened,” if we feel like we need to make choices, make choices; if we feel like we don’t, then don’t, i.e. relax and enjoy the ride! And yes indeed, whether you choose the ride to be or it comes to you on four or two wheels, you will experience the all the consequences that go along with four or two wheels!
    I’m so glad you’re enjoying this site! Means you’ll keep coming back and adding the invaluable dimension that you do, and the site will keep growing from that… If not for you and my other friends here, my thoughts would just be thoughts and nothing more. It’s you all who turn those thoughts into what could be called food, into what this site is and will become :-)

  7. No, when I said period I meant in this 7 year period when Uranus transits Pisces lol It started on 2003 so it should take another 2 years until it’s done. But it all depends on when your actual birthday is.

    My Piscean side: I have Sun in conjunction to Neptune natally, and since Neptune is the ruler of Pisces and Sun means identity, I may be “affected” by those characteristics. Plus my progressed Moon is now in Pisces (this last a couple of years) so maybe I’m more in-tune with piscean things at the moment. These are just 2 of the possible explanations. ;)

  8. Why thank you Ms. Mood! (I like how Kimananda calls you that!) For both explanations! The 7-year Uranus trip explains my radical change mid-2006 and maybe why I still feel like there’s more to come.

  9. Hey, it’s good to finally visit for long enough to comment! :-) And what a perfect topic to comment on. And a difficult one. For myself, I have the sense always, whenever I look back more than a day or so into the past, that I’ve changed, leading me to think that I must be in a continual state of change. I’d imagine we all are like that. But of course, some changes are more sudden, more drastic, and/or more meaningful than others. For me, it’s clear that I’m in the middle of the biggest change I’ve experienced to date.

    It’s interesting that you see yourself as a different person from your recent past. And exciting, to think that you can mold yourself into what you are supposed to be. To answer another part of your last questions, once you start the molding process, you can’t go back. But then, once the change is happening, why would you want to go back? That old you is not who you are anymore anyway.

  10. Welcome, Kimananda! Reading about your sense of change and the molding process is a soothing thing. Life is perception and more than I’d like to admit, mine gets/is skewed. The way I see it most times, I’m walking a plateau, minding my own business, when all of a sudden Change maniacally jams a hill or a mountain in front of my face. Rude! But rolling along with your words and checking my rearview mirror reminds me that indeed change is constant, that I’m slightly more evolved today than yesterday due to what I learned yesterday.
    This is not to say we won’t occasionally be blind-sided by change if we haven’t been paying attention to the build-up, but the edge can always be taken off change by taking stock of hindsight and seeing that Nope, there sure is nothing sneaky about change! Kind of like pregnancy, eh? ;-)
    I do like the way you put things everywhere you put them—comments on others’ sites and your posts—so it’s very good to have you putting some of them here! Your brand of wisdom and consistency is admirable. I can write something in a moment of clarity and forget it the next. And you can see by my erratic posts and comment responses that I don’t discipline the butterfly in me. I have a net to capture it and bring it back to my path but I’m never really clear for long where either of those things are!

  11. When reading your thoughts on change it makes me feel less guilty or maybe just less alone with my unsuffonsifide emotions of change. Your comment that once you’ve even begun to think of change you’ve already started the wheels of change is so true. This idea of change begins to consume you and whether or not you agree you need a change in your life it is so much easier to stick with what you’ve already got, to keep up the same mundane routine, to deny yourself the joy of true happiness.

    I’ve gone through a lot of change over the past 3 years– moving out from under my parents, buying my own home, getting married and lately and lastly coming to the realization that I didn’t have my whole life planned out perfectly when I was 15. It is hard to come to the realization that change is for the better, even if it does mean more work in the beginning or stepping on a few peoples toes. Yet as I write this I feel awkward because I feel it sounds like I am afraid of change while my emotions are quite the contrary. Instead I am a person who embraces change. I love the refreshing feeling it gives me, the calmness, and confidence I exude from it. I am one of those souls that repaints their room once a year. Moves the living room furniture around at least every other month and creates a new style of handwriting with every new step in life I take.

    However, still I am like you in that I often look back missing the things I craved to run away from. So when it comes to change I am no expert, I’ve been forced many times to change but have only on occasion chosen to change. But overall I think change is key in a happy life. Imagine if nothing ever changed, we’d be stuck either as babies for ever, or maybe parents forever, or in the shower forever, or possibly even sleeping forever. The fact is we make life changing moments everyday and don’t even know it. The choice to get out of bed and go to work, the choice to go pee in the morning these things though they may seem habit or now real choice at all are in fact vital in your happiness and in your ability to stay alive and make more choices for change. I think that maybe if we just decided, lets say what career you wanted to go for (even if it does mean going to school for even longer), like we decide what entree we wanted to order at the restaurant than we would all probably be a lot more satisfied in the end and even less stressed out.

    So here is to Change, the scariest thing in the world that we could never live without.

  12. Mandapandabear! Fancy meeting you here! Yes, it’s always so good to know we’re not alone in unsettling emotions, not alone with that awkward feeling you mentioned. In the explaining of things, in the facing of and living through conscious change, it may not sound or look smooth, but most of us go the full circle from No or Maybe to Yes. And as far as the subconscious making of life-changing moments goes, since the choices we make in the moments now are what builds our future, I think the best we can do is be mindful of what’s going on in our heads behind the scenes. Just the light of our attention shed in the dusty corners works wonders. Either way, when it comes to change there really is no choice, there’s no stopping this forward-spinning planet, and as long as we’re alive and on it, change is constantly happening to us—all the atoms, the cells in our bodies, what we see, what we think about what we see…
    Your mention of plans at age 15 caused me to think back to my own ideas as a teen. I thought life was climbing a hill to a plateau. The hill was schooling, launching a career, marriage, family and the plateau was flat-line-enjoying all that until whenever… The word change didn’t sink in for me until many years of climbing and never finding a plateau! Whether you consider yourself an expert at change or not, it’s awesome that you’ve figured out the drift of it so early on to the point of accepting change you can’t expect and inviting change you can expect, like changing your environment and handwriting. And how cool the handwriting bit! I have never, ever thought of doing that! And that’s the difference I’m thinking…that attitude toward change, looking at it as the joy of true happiness, and making an effort to keep it alive, will insure your sufficiency will always be suffoncified! ;-)

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s